I received a song today composed by a friend about my son who died in November 2009. It immediately triggered tears - healing tears. And I was reminded of the times after my husband died when I would be driving, picking someone up from the airport, listening to music, or watching a loving couple and my eyes would sting with fresh tears. I was also reminded of the twists and turns the grief process can take and like any process, we cannot put a time frame on it.
We never "get over" a loss. As others have so eloquently said, our losses are woven into the fabric of our lives. For me, it is first a reconciliation, then recovery before we can proceed to a transition that allows memories to make us smile instead of cry. As time passes, we might feel confused and uncomfortable at how quickly our grief and pain can still be triggered. In those moments, it is important to remember that each time a pain is revisited and processed, more healing occurs. Like a physical wound that is tender to the touch, a heart wound is tender to anything that reminds us of what we no longer have or will never have.
Most of us feel uncomfortable crying in public social circles; but it is when we restrict the tears in private or with a good and valued friend that we do ourselves a disservice. Allow those moments of grief to rise to the surface. Don't restrict them by a pre-supposed time frame or intellectualizing them. Grief by its very nature is an emotional journey. Healing requires getting comfortable with any and all of the emotions that is triggered by loss. Recovery happens as we go through the pain, begin to fill in the crater the loss leaves with new beginnings, taking what was and integraing it into our lives. Even ugly scars can be turned into something beautiful and meaningful.
Marlene Anderson, MA,LMHC,NCC
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
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